Nick Curtis: No more secrets now Scientology is a religion

In taking her case to court, Louisa Hodkin has thrust Scientology back into the spotlight, where the rest of us can mock and examine it. Good: it’s a poor faith that can’t stand questioning
13 December 2013
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We are all united, I am sure, in wishing Louisa Hodkin and Alessandro Calcioli well for their forthcoming Scientologist wedding. Let’s hope their true, thetan selves are enriched, and that Xenu of the Galactic Alliance doesn’t turn up and spoil their big day by imprisoning them in a volcano and then detonating a hydrogen bomb on them. So profound will this couple’s declaration of love and faith be that an expensive PR company is fielding media enquiries about it.

You see, five supreme court justices have ruled that Louisa and Alessandro’s nuptials in a London Scientology chapel qualify as a religious ceremony. By extension this means that the UK is now in line with the United States, Slovenia and Kyrgyzstan in recognising the belief system made up by sci-fi writer L Ron Hubbard in 1952 as a bona fide religion — with all the potential tax breaks and protection that implies — rather than a cult or a cynical money-spinning scheme. This overturns a previous ruling from 1970 that the Church of Scientology did not constitute a religion because it did not involve “veneration of God or of a Supreme Being”, although in recent years it seems to have cast itsy-bitsy Tom Cruise in this role.

Personally, I’m with the beautifully offensive (and almost offensively beautiful) US comedian Sarah Silverman when it comes to Scientology. In her forthcoming stand-up show on Sky, We Are Miracles, she points out that the faith that L Ron built is no less a construct than any other religion: it just feels nuttier because it’s newer and “because we all know guys called Ron”. (If you lived in Mexico, you might also know guys called Jesus, but that’s by the by.)

Looked at rationally, all religions seem absurd: the clue is in that word, “rationally”. And while it might seem like a boom time for faith — with Islam on the rise and the undeniably impressive Pope Francis as Time magazine’s Person of the Year — I’d say the case for a benign deity is somewhat undermined by the fact that Archbishop Desmond Tutu’s house was burgled while he was at Nelson Mandela’s memorial service.

But hey, that’s just my belief, and you are welcome to yours, whether it’s in God, Allah, the Book of Mormon or Ron. My atheism has hardened over the years, but so has my respect for others’ quiet faith, and a concomitant distrust of those who are overly evangelistic or defensive. I’m less concerned about Scientology’s status than its zealous proselytising (I remember an aggressive recruitment attempt in my teens), alleged exploitation of believers, and its manic reaction to criticism. But in taking her case to court, Louisa Hodkin has thrust Scientology back into the spotlight, where the rest of us can mock and examine it. Good: it’s a poor faith that can’t stand questioning.

Why Claire is nigh perfect

The epitome of FOMO, the Fear of Missing Out, for most young, heterosexual men is probably the backstage area of the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show. All those babes stepping in and out of their pricy pants, eh? Turns out it’s worse than that: Cara Delevingne spends her downtime filming Joan Smalls and Doutzen Kroes twerking for her. It’s enough to make the average Zoo reader’s head and genitals spontaneously combust.

So I won’t give this story any more oxygen, and instead mention Homeland star Claire Danes, who didn’t learn that she had been nominated again for the SAG Best Actress award which she won last year because she was hosting the Nobel Peace Prize concert in Oslo. Danes represents an image of perfection every bit as unattainable as Smalls in her juddering smalls but perhaps a better one to aspire to.

Air Force One needs a speedy makeover

When Ronald Reagan was elected President of the US, the first thing he wanted to see was the War Room beneath the White House, convinced that the set Ken Adam had designed for Stanley Kubrick’s Dr Strangelove was an actual place. It is honestly not an overexposure to the Wolfgang Petersen/Harrison Ford film of 1997 that makes me say — how rubbish is the interior of Air Force One, eh? The photos of the multi-presidential crew flying to Nelson Mandela’s funeral make the plane look like the conference room of a provincial Travelodge. Nasty furniture, no pictures, not even a bar. A plane with this call sign has been the presidential transport since 1945, and for a nation long on pomp and short on history, you’d think it would be an opportunity to show off. How about adding in some quintessential parts of the American dream, like a gun range, swimming pool, outdoor Jacuzzi and three-space carport?

The Red Planet is foodie heaven

Right, time for another mind-altering trawl of the science stories on the BBC news website, and — whoa, there it is! American researchers now think that the asteroid that smashed into the Earth and wiped out the dinosaurs 3.5 billion years ago might also have blasted rocks bearing organic matter all the way to Mars. So that means — hold on, hold on — there might be dinosaur DNA on the Red Planet! And we can already clone sheep and dogs, can’t we? And we’re already planning manned missions to Mars, aren’t we? I can see a major Hollywood blockbuster, a theme park and possibly the answer to the restless quest for novelty of all London foodies in this. Sod horses, bring on the Mars-farmed Raptorburgers.

Twitter @nickcurtis

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