Designer black, fine wine and insincere speeches — my funeral is going to be one big fabulous party

Rob Rinder
Daniel Hambury/Stella Pictures
Rob Rinder @RobbieRinder12 October 2018
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It’s the end of the week! — so let’s prepare for death. No, I’m being serious. What considerations must you make when planning for the end? Which parting papers must you sign? Is there a subtle way to disinherit the relatives you never liked? Wills are important, of course, and I’m often told by other lawyers that you never really know a person until you’ve divided an inheritance with them. But when the grim reaper comes for me I won’t be worrying about my final testament — I’ll be thinking about the party.

I have inherited my grandmother’s exacting standards for funerals. She can spot a cheap salmon bridge roll at a hundred yards and don’t get her started on the china. She has taught me that a person’s final moment is when you truly understand how somebody lived. It is a chance to show off how glamorous you were, how popular, how fabulously you lived. And yet, unlike any other party, you can have this one without any of the stress.

In a way a funeral is the dream do. It’s the only party you’ll ever throw that you won’t even have to attend. For once there will be a brilliant gathering of all your friends of which you will be in total control, without having to shoulder any of responsibility for them having a good time. You can spend as much as you like on it because you’ll only do it once. And — especially appealing to somebody who prefers to be in control like me — you can stipulate exactly what you want.

When Joan Rivers popped her stilettos her requiem was so sensational it was impossible to get a ticket. The Gay Men’s Chorus sang. Howard Stern gave the sending-off speech. Sarah Jessica Parker, Diana Sawyer and Whoopi Goldberg arrived wearing head-to-toe designer black.

When Rivers spoke about her plans for her funeral, in her 2013 book, I Hate Everyone... Starting With Me she said she wanted it to be “Hollywood all the way” with paparazzi and entertainment. “I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing Mr Lonely.”

I realise that it’s mildly mawkish to be thinking about these things at 40 (ish) but I do think it’s wise to be prepared. I already have big plans for my solemnities, which will be anything but. I want the guest list for my departing to be strictly A to C. There will be a dress code which will oblige my girlfriends (and some of the men) to wear sexy black Vivienne Westwood dresses. I will demand that there is no quiet sniffling into tissues, I want nothing short of forced wailing and competitive mourning. Maybe even, if it isn’t a little too Kim Jong-un, a day of the week renamed after me.

"I will demand that there is no quiet sniffling into tissues. I want nothing short of competitive mourning" 

I absolutely forbid any Sainsbury’s kosher aisle offerings. Instead I expect nothing less than a trip to Stamford Hill’s best. There needs to be excellent scotch, free-flowing, and only extremely fine wine, on tap. I would like cataclysmic arguments about who was my closest friend.

But most vitally, I don’t want anything truthful said about me at all. My talents are to be magnified to epic proportion, and it is to be declared impossible that anybody could surpass them.

What makes all this a bit tricky is that Jewish funerals are so formulaic. Things have to kick off within 24 hours, which doesn’t leave the family much chance to plan a particularly glamorous bash. But then, that’s why I’m preparing in advance.

Katya’s husband deserves the spotlight

I have never met Sean Walsh, but I do know Neil Jones, the brilliantly talented husband of Katya Jones now embroiled in the wildly overblown Strictly snog-gate saga . You may have seen Neil dancing in the background of the show.

Seann Walsh and Katya Jones
BBC

What you probably don’t know is that he (along with his wife) is a world show dance champion. He is also one of the most respected teachers and choreographers around. During my time on the show he was endlessly patient and kind. I would often reach out to him for help and reassurance which he gave wisely and always with good humour. He may be the forgotten figure in this sorry tale but like Sean(n)’s now ex-girlfriend, he is nobody’s victim.

I feel sure that he and Katya will put this behind them, that perhaps something good will come of this incident and that Neil will finally get the public attention he so richly deserves.

*Mornings for most people have some sort of ritual. My alarm goes off and the Today programme comes on. I have no idea whether I like it or not any more; it’s just what I do. On Tuesday I happened to hear Thought for the Day which I usually avoid (I struggle with religion before noon).

Rabbi Laura Janner-Klausner was giving a profoundly moving account of some of the challenges of being a parent to a transgender young adult and how we might all get a little better at learning about the topic in general. It was like listening to someone’s heart speaking at its most articulate. I would urge you to take the time to hear it; it’s free to download and takes less than five minutes.

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